A Guy's Guide to Handling Your Helghast Girlfriend
by Gabumon Noodles
Summary: These tips could help you have a girlfriend who's happy, loving, and not in the mood to break up with you. Or worse, hack off your balls and keep them as trophies.


A Guy's Guide to Handling Your Helghast Girlfriend

1. Praise Visari. Love him more than your girlfriend. Love him more than yourself. If you say anything otherwise, her image of you will be tarnished forever.

2. Never call her a Hig. It might be okay to let it slip when you've got a raging, warmongering Helghast about to kill you. But never say it to your girl. It's the equivalent of calling a black person the n-word. The quickest way to break up with her is by putting "Hig" and "bitch" in one sentence.

3. You know that "theory" your ISA friend has? The one he thinks that Helghast reproduce by getting shot, because they seem to be more every time he kills them? Don't share that with your girlfriend.

4. Don't ask her if she was created in a test tube.

5. You've probably noticed there are lots of "don'ts." Take the hint, because nobody messes with Helghast chicks.

6. Understand that Helghasts aren't very touchy-feely. Your girlfriend would probably feel awkward or uncomfortable if you kiss or hug her in public. She'll consider it shallow and tasteless. Doing it in private is totally fine, of course.

7. Helghasts aren't very expressive either. There will be none of that fake niceness you'd expect from waitresses, other girlfriends, etc. Your girlfriend will tell it like it is. She won't hold back, and she'll be perfectly honest with you. It's easy to believe she has no emotions. But when she does smile, you can be sure that it's real and genuine.

8. If she's in the military, tell her that she looks insanely hot in elite shock trooper armor.

9. Do the same in #8 if she has capture trooper armor instead.

10. Ask her to teach you how to read and write the Helghast language. Not only is it a great activity to pass the time, it also strengthens your bond with her and shows respect for her culture. She'd be more than happy to teach you.

11. Tell her that Colonel Radec is an absolute bamf. Everyone loves Colonel Radec.

12. If your girlfriend happens to be Radec's daughter, tell her you're damn lucky to have such a cool father-in-law. Make sure when you visit him, look sharp and dress nicely. He'll probably execute you if you don't.

13. Don't criticize Helghast cuisine. You can't blame them for lacking a variety and quality of edible resources. Their food may be thin and bland, but don't admit it out loud.

14. Kindly introduce your girlfriend to food from Earth or Vekta, instead of bragging on how much better it is than Helghast food. If she isn't a narrow-minded fascist, she'll probably give it a shot.

15. If she has no idea what spaghetti or a hot dog is, don't laugh.

16. Helghast chicks like their own space and private time once in a while. They don't appreciate guys who are always clingy or overprotective. If your girlfriend's upset, leave her alone. If she's pissed, double that distance. Don't fuss over her like she's a helpless little puppy. She can take care of herself. She grew up in Helghan, for crying out loud.

17. Helghast culture dictates that women should be submissive, but not weak. They have to respect and obey authority. At the same time, they must be resilient in the face of suffering and hardship. If your girlfriend demonstrates these qualities, admire her for that. It's hard to maintain that balance.

18. You're going to be tempted to assume she's sick when she's not. She just looks sick, and that can't be blamed. Living on Helghan all your life would wash out the hair and skin on you too.

19. Helghast women, particularly those who come from aristocratic families, are inclined to have arranged marriages. If your girlfriend chose you out of love, she's a total rebel.

20. If you ever consider breaking up with your girl, don't shy away or give her the cold shoulder. Be honest and direct without being hurtful. Contrary to what most people think, she won't beat the shit out of you as long as you do this the right way.

21. It's common for Helghast women to produce many children, considering the short lifespans and high infant mortality rate on Helghan. Don't be surprised if your girlfriend tells you she wants a lot of kids. This may or may not really spice up your love life.

22. If you take her out to the beach, pack loads of sunscreen to avoid making her toast by the end of the day.

23. Don't make the joke of being able to fry your girlfriend on the sun-lit sidewalk because she's so pale. Otherwise she'd fry you, sun or no sun.

24. You can learn a ton of invaluable survival skills by camping with her in the Kaznan Jungle. Making it out of there alive yields instant respect and sudden increase of manliness.

25. In a world and culture so focused on work and the military, Helghast hardly have time for fun. Don't be afraid to make the decisions when it comes to this area.

26. If you ask for her sign, she probably won't even know what that means. The concept of astrology doesn't exist among the Helghast. Mostly because their sky's too dark and polluted to see any stars in the first place.

27. Don't borrow her goggles for the swimming pool. Forgetting your own is not an excuse.

28. Quickly spring to your girlfriend's defense whenever anyone calls her a mutant freak (or some hurtful name like that).

29. For the most part, Helghast people aren't very religious. They stopped believing in God and the power of faith long ago. If you want to prove your girlfriend wrong, make it a gradual, enlightening process. If you too are atheist, disregard #29.

30. If your girlfriend happens to be Jorhan Stahl's daughter, you might just get access to her dad's newest toys. Just don't try them out on innocent bystanders. It won't be a pretty sight.

31. If your girlfriend happens to be Admiral Orlock's daughter, don't tell her that her dad needs to cool his hot head. That's her job, not yours.

32. It's likely that your girlfriend was raised in a military household, or has received military training. Don't give her a reason to kick you in the nuts. She knows the best way to give you a world of pain.

33. Don't borrow her breathing apparatus and armor for Halloween. For the Helghast it's a necessity, not a costume.

34. Introduce her to Metroid games. She'd probably relate to Samus pretty well.

35. Helghast people have an accelerated healing rate. But that doesn't give you an excuse to constantly pinch or bruise your girlfriend's skin to see how fast the marks would go away.

36. If you and your girlfriend talk about history and she says that the ISA started the whole war, don't deny it. In a way, they did.

37. In bed, let her be on top. That's all.

38. Your girlfriend probably won't like movies with happy endings and a sappy story. Avoid comedies and chick flicks like the plague.

39. Take your girlfriend to a shooting range and watch her own everyone else. She gets to have fun, and you get to have bragging rights.

40. Finally, love her with all your heart. She comes from a culture that values honor, strength and loyalty above all else. You can't get any luckier than having a girlfriend like that.


End file.
